


Maria's No Good, Very Bad Day

by evlytheevilqueen



Series: De-Aged Avengers All Over The Place [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: #don't make Bruce cry, M/M, Maria's POV, motherhen Clint Barton, the Avengers really do need to stop getting de-aged, you wouldn't like it when he's crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 16:02:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7368205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evlytheevilqueen/pseuds/evlytheevilqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers really needed to stop getting de-aged every few years. It was a paperwork nightmare, especially when Coulson was too busy being six years old to do his damn job. Maria wasn't paid enough for babysitting gigs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maria's No Good, Very Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kinthinia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kinthinia/gifts).



> This is a birthday gift for Kinthinia <3 Well, it would have been a gift for her, since she asked for de-aged Bucky and more de-aged Bruce, anyway, but she told me yesterday that today is her birthday, so I hurried up to finish it in time ;) Hope you enjoy!
> 
> This story is very loosely related to The Sharpie Disaster, but you can definitely read it as a stand-alone.

****The last thing Maria Hill remembered was a bright flash of light and then the dry heat and pressure of a shock wave sweeping everyone in a radius of at least three miles off their feet. Luckily, the explosion had been close to the – now shattered – concrete, sparing them a shower of glass raining down on them from the skyscrapers surrounding their current position in the middle of Manhattan. Because of course that is where a crazy-person with magical abilities had to lose their shit. Some days she really hated her job.

 

As if the universe had waited for just that thought to cross her mind, a harried-looking junior agent ran up to her, still a little wonky on her feet and panting like she'd just run a marathon. “Deputy Director,” she choked out between panicked breaths. “It looks like Agent Coulson, Sergeant Barnes and Doctor Banner were caught in the initial blast and hit with magical energy. They...” The junior agent hesitated and Maria lost the last thread of her patience for the day.

 

“Out with it!” She was barking rather than speaking and the poor junior agent looked even more cowed but Maria didn't have it in her to care at the moment.

 

“It seems they got... de-aged?” It sounded like a question and Maria had to take a deep breath and remind herself that the junior agents weren't as used to the weird shit SHIELD had to deal with on a daily basis as the resigned senior staff. With Coulson out for the count, she was the highest ranking agent on scene who was in any way qualified to herd the confused baby agents and the rest of the Avengers.

 

She shooed the junior agent away and made sure no one else was around to see her and that her comm unit was off before she indulged in a heartfelt groan. If she'd wanted Coulson's job she'd have it. She tried her hand at the deep long breathing she'd picked up during her Wednesday yoga classes with Pepper and prayed for patience – she'd need it with the day ahead of her. She wasn't entirely sure her reserves were deep enough to get through without shooting someone otherwise.

 

The scene was just as pitiful as she'd assumed it would be – the confused junior agents were huddled in a very loose circle around the de-aged Avengers, as far away as they dared to get. Three tiny brown-haired boys draped in overly large clothes were the center of attention. What she figured was little Banner looked like he was two seconds away from bursting into wailing sobs, clinging to the fabric of his giant purple Hulk pants as if they were the only thing keeping him from drowning.

 

Next to him, a tiny Phil Coulson was glaring defiantly at the agents staring at them, arms crossed, unusually full hair windswept and looking absolutely ridiculous in his giant dress shirt and suit jacket, the comm unit still hanging from his neck.

 

And then there was the only actual surprise: Tiny Barnes, who was shooting the junior agents apologetic looks and trying to get Phil to turn down the glare a notch at the same time as he was carefully inching closer to Banner and putting himself between him and the rest of the crowd. When Banner shot him a suspicious look Barnes offered him a smile so sweet even Maria felt her heart melt a little. It seemed to work well enough on Banner, too, because he lost some of the tension in his shoulders and stopped clinging to his pants quite so tightly. Barnes shuffled over further and he let him with only minimal hesitation.

 

Thinking about it, Maria didn't know why she was surprised at all. Not after all those stories Rogers had told about Barnes' protective side when they were kids and even long after the serum. Of course he'd take to a small, scared Banner. And much as he was a pain in the ass of Barton's magnitude now that he'd settled in at Avenger's Tower and recovered a little from his time as the Winter Soldier – there had been a time when he'd spent most of his days reigning in a young Steve Rogers. Maria had heard enough of what a firecracker little Rogers had been during their last stunt with de-aging magic two years ago. She really hoped no one would pull a Barton and drag this out for a week because she was already done with the situation.

 

Just at that moment, Thor and Iron Man landed next to her to the loud cracking protest of the already damaged concrete. Stark's face plate was up before his boots even really hit the ground.

 

“What happened? Are our brothers in arms faring well?” Thor's booming voice had tiny Banner flinching and Barnes crowding even closer to him.

 

Stark let his eyes sweep over the scene, a maniacal grin spreading on his face. “Okay, this is fucking adorable. Never thought I'd call either Barnes or Coulson cute, but here we are.”

 

“You'll never let them live this down, will you?” Rogers asked from behind them, where he'd arrived with Romanoff and Barton at his heels.

 

Stark's “Not in a million years, do you even remember how smug Coulson was after last time?” almost got drowned out in the cooing noise coming from Barton. Before anyone could stop him, his long legs had eaten up the distance between him and his shrunken teammates and he was crouching down next to tiny Phil with the most ridiculously smitten grin Maria had ever seen on anyone.

 

He held out his hand the way he'd greet a respected fellow agent. “Hi, I'm Clint!”

 

Little Phil eyed him suspiciously but did eventually grab the offered hand. “Phil.”

 

“Do you know where you are or what happened?”

 

The street was so silent a dropping needle would have seemed loud.

 

“No.” Phil wrinkled his nose and looked down at the overly large shirt draped over him. “But I guess I was a lot bigger not so long ago?”

 

If Maria had thought the smile on Barton's face had been smitten before, it was downright sappy now.

 

“Yes, you were. Will you let us check that the wacky magic that did this didn't hurt you somehow? We just want to make sure you guys are okay.” He gave tiny Phil his sunniest grin, then turned it on Banner and Barnes where they were huddled together, holding out an inviting hand to them, too.

 

It was Barnes who spoke up again first, after looking from Phil to Banner and giving Barton the best scrutinizing stare Maria had ever seen from an approximately six-year-old. “Will you protect us?” he asked eventually, posture straight and chin up defiantly like the soldier he'd become.

 

Barton blinked at him, his smile turning even softer – but there was something fierce in his eyes that made the hairs on the back of her neck tingle. “No one will lay a hand on you without permission.”

 

Of course Rogers chose that moment to step into their little circle and grin down at Barnes. “I'm gonna help him, if that's okay with you?” He glared at the circle of SHIELD agents until they'd backed away into the shadows of the surrounding alleys, looking spooked.

 

Barnes' eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open as he looked up at Captain America in all his red, white and blue glory. Maria chanced a quick glance at little Phil and naturally found him vibrating with excitement at the sight, not looking much more dignified than Barnes. The fondness on Barton's face was almost painful to look at so she turned her attention back to Rogers and Barnes.

 

“Steve?!” Barnes flinched a little at the volume of his own incredulous exclamation. “Stevie, is that you?? When did you get so big?”

 

Rogers looked so smug Maria decided to be offended on Barnes' behalf until he was old enough again to give him shit for it.

 

Rogers shrugged and tipped his head in Phil's direction. “Phil was right, you know. You've been a lot bigger, too, not five minutes ago.”

 

“But, but...!” Barnes gesticulated wildly with the hand that was not on Banner's arm, lost for words for the first time since Maria had met him (unless the monosyllabic act from the first few months was just a very good disguise). Now he looked almost as offended as adult Barnes probably would have been. “You're all... _big_ big!” He pointed emphatically at Rogers' chest and biceps.

 

Rogers had the audacity to laugh at him. Most likely he only survived because Barnes was currently six years old. “That's a long story, bud. Tell you what, if you come with us and let the doctors check you over, I'll tell you all about it.”

 

Barnes shifted his lips left and right in contemplation but eventually relented with a put-upon nod. He gently dragged Banner over to where Barton was still crouched next to Phil with a besotted smile on his face. Barnes stopped right in front of him, hands on his hips, making sure his spindly arms never entirely lost contact with Banner.

 

“Well then, take us to the doctors.”

 

Barton hurried to comply in record time in a way he never did when he was actually ordered to do something by anyone with the actual authority to order him around – with the occasional exception of Rogers, maybe. Maria decided that if she was ever drunk enough to throw her dignity overboard, she might have to ask Barnes for pointers.

 

The check-in with the doctors was surprisingly uneventful. Banner held still as long as Barnes was holding his hand (and Maria had definitely not taken any pictures for future blackmail purposes). Phil still glared defiantly but behaved as long as Barton was glued to his side and Barnes just exchanged a weary smile with Rogers and let the doctors do their thing. Probably a lot of experience with medical exams between those two, even if Rogers had usually been the one poked by needles.

 

By the time they were done and the field medics had declared them all good to go for now, Barnes was giving Banner a piggyback ride – carefully eyed by Rogers, who was close enough to catch both or either of them at any moment – and Phil was basically clinging to Barton's leg while trying really hard to appear like he wasn't. It was all unfairly adorable and the memory of Maria's phone was starting to run out.

 

Barnes edged closer to Rogers ever so unsubtly, looking up at him with big eyes and an innocent smile that Maria was decidedly not buying anymore, not even from the six-year-old version. “Can I hear the story now, Stevie?”

 

Rogers smiled down at him, looking almost half as fond and charmed as Barton. “How about when we are comfortable and at home? Do you still like your hot chocolate stuffed with marshmallows?”

 

Barnes grinned at him. “That's a deal. But only if you stuff in like a whole bag.”

 

“I'll do my very best.” Rogers' own grin turned more familiarly smug and he gave Barnes a lazy salute that had him giggling and almost shaking Banner off his back. Maria could see the hysterical crying building up from where she was standing when Banner started to slip.

 

Before anyone else could react, Barton had hurried into the scene, diffusing the situation by quickly pulling Banner into his arms and petting his curly mob of hair while making soothing noises – after a quick glance to Barnes for permission. The rest of the Avengers looked as gobsmacked at how well it worked as Maria felt – with the exception of Natasha, who just raised an eyebrow and smirked slightly.

 

“No one told me Barton has been watching Supernanny with Coulson,” Stark started when he finally found his speech again, only to interrupt himself with a weird choking noise. Maria followed his gaze. What could possibly shut Tony Stark up so effectively?

 

Instead of the horrible scenes she'd imagined she found Phil tugging at the leg of Barton's pants, pouting at not being the center of his attention anymore. Maria might have been sidetracked by that picture, too, if she hadn't had to witness the only slightly more mature version for years.

 

Barton, bless him for once, took it in stride and heaved Phil onto his other arm. Even the initial protests were laughably weak and Phil settled in record time, falling asleep on Barton's shoulder before Stark rediscovered his snark. He was about to open his mouth when Barton shut him up with a glare and a head-tilt in Banner's direction – who was also fast asleep by now. To Maria's surprise, it actually worked and Stark closed his mouth without a word.

 

Everyone's attention drifted back to Barnes, who looked a little unsteady on his feet and was blinking excessively by now. Rogers caught him before he could topple over and he was fast asleep before his head even touched that well-muscled chest. Rogers carefully settled him so his cheek wouldn't touch the cold metal of the star in the middle.

 

Maria heaved a grateful sigh. At least she'd get a few hours off from that particular worry.

 

***

 

The reprieve didn't last particularly long. Their little charges only napped for about two hours before they woke up again. Banner woke up crying and refused to let go of either Barnes' hand or Barton's waist, not even when bribed with the promise of hot chocolate with marshmallows. Which in turn led to Phil becoming monosyllabic and pouty even as he took firm hold of Barton's other arm. The helpless looks both Barnes and Barton shot Rogers were hilariously identical.

 

Rogers shrugged at them. “Maybe if I pick up Bucky and you pick up Bruce?” He reeled back at the positively poisonous look Phil gave him. Apparently even baby Phil's Captain America worship couldn't hold a candle to Barton's hidden motherhen talents. “Um, and Phil on the other arm?” Rogers shot Barton a pleading look.

 

Barton just grinned at Rogers and swept Banner and Phil up in his arms like they weighed no more than a couple of pillows. Barnes had to struggle to keep his hand in Banner's, and Banner's bottom lip was already starting to tremble ominously when Rogers hoisted Barnes up on his hip, shooting Barton an admonishing glare.

 

“With a little more carefully planned timing next time, please.”

 

Maria had known Barton long enough to see him drooping a little behind the obnoxious grin still plastered to his face at the snide remark. Phil seemed to have noticed, too, despite the fact that he was currently in his six-year-old state of mind. Hesitantly, he petted Barton's hair in a soothing manner. If Maria's tolerance for adorableness hadn't already been severely tested, she might have found the way Barton immediately lit back up at the attention endearing.

 

The brief moment of discontent was forgotten as soon as Rogers and Barton had managed to carry their charges into the kitchen, doing their best to keep pace and awkwardly crab-walking through the door so Banner and Barnes wouldn't lose hand contact. The sight of three kids enthusiastically discussing the perfect ratio of marshmallow to hot chocolate while being held by two actual superheroes was probably enough to soothe over far more severe arguments.

 

Maria found herself dragged along as the only one with actual free hands to gather all the ingredients and actually make the hot chocolate. Barton, Rogers and the kids were all watching over her shoulder, commenting on everything they would have done differently, and Maria was this close to breaking someone's fingers. There was a reason she had never felt the desire for a family of her own.

 

Thankfully, she'd worked with the Avengers long enough that Barton and Rogers knew when to back off, so they eventually got the hint and retreated to the kitchen table, effectively distracting the kids with the story of how 'Stevie became sooo big' at last. Banner and Phil were listening with captivated little faces, as well, even though Phil must have heard that story too many times to count even back then.

 

Maria arrived at the table with the first few mugs just as Rogers got to the part where he let himself get injected with Dr. Erskine' serum. Barnes looked close to throwing a fit and it was incredibly cute compared to his usual serial killer glare.

 

“And you just let him?? Stevie, it could have hurt you, you didn't know it wouldn't!”

 

Now it was Roger's turn to look admonished and Maria was glad that he'd left out the part with the grenade from what she'd heard from the stove. Barton shot her an amused look over the top of Phil's head. He winked at her when Maria slid the first mug toward Barnes, whose anger immediately vanished in the face of the smell of chocolate, and she found herself winking back. She would probably regret that later, but for now Barton's dumbfounded expression was definitely worth it. Maybe she could blame it on the stress of the situation or simply convince him that he'd imagined it after this was over.

 

Maria fled the scene as soon as the rest of the Avengers started to trickle into the kitchen. She really didn't feel like spending time in the same room as Stark and a couple of kids. He was already hard enough to tolerate around adults.

 

Her escape naturally didn't result in the peace and quiet she'd foolishly hoped for. After seeing the mountains of paperwork floating into her mail account and the most surreal, exhausting phone conference she'd ever had with Fury (seriously, how did Phil do this all the time?), she decided she was better off joining the Chaos Team, after all. At least then she could ignore the forms she needed to request new forms be created for this particular set of circumstances for a few more hours. It turned out Phil had not predicted the additional paperwork they'd need for the de-aging of senior SHIELD agents after the last incident.

 

With Jarvis' help, Maria eventually found them all sprawled out in the common room watching Wall-E. She approved of the movie choice – until Stark opened his big mouth.

 

“This is so you!” He pointed excitedly at Barton, who just raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him and tossed another piece of popcorn into the air. He expertly caught it with his mouth. The kids looked genuinely impressed and Maria could almost feel the smugness radiating from Barton.

 

“No, it is! You as the lonesome, abandoned ruler of the trash lands, pining after a hyper-competent super robot and making pathetic gifts?” He looked beseechingly at Romanoff. “Tell me that wasn't Barton and Agent before they started doing the horizontal tango!”

 

Romanoff actually snorted at the comment, humor shining in her eyes. She stayed silent, though, so Maria took it upon herself to answer in her stead.

 

“Actually, that's pretty accurate.” All heads turned in her direction. She gave Barton her best shark grin, really putting effort into it when he started pouting at her.

 

To her surprise, it wasn't Romanoff or Rogers who came to Barton's defense.

 

“I bet that's not true!” Phil looked more offended than Maria had ever seen him, and somehow it didn't even look cute or ridiculous on his small face. “Clint is not trashy or pathetic! He's awesome and everyone should be happy to dance with him!”

 

Barton looked two seconds away from growing a uterus just so he could produce more tiny Phils. On his other side, Banner nodded eagerly, the first time he'd done anything to draw attention to himself all day. Even Barnes looked ready to go a round with anyone who dared to disagree. Thankfully, everyone but Romanoff and Stark was too busy giving the children fond looks to try. Stark was out of commission, choking on his laughter, Romanoff patting his back with a smug smirk.

 

Maria hurried to backpedal under Phil's unrelenting glare. “I'm sorry if that's what I implied, it was supposed to be friendly teasing, nothing more.” She couldn't suppress the way her lips twitched up in a smirk of her own. “And his dance partner is very appreciative of his luck, I can assure you.”

 

Barton and Rogers went red as a tomato and Stark choked even worse, but the kids looked appeased for the moment. Maria decided she was probably allowed to sit with them now and made herself comfortable on the couch next to Romanoff, who winked at her when she sat down. Maria would add 'terrible gossip' to the top of Barton's file if it hadn't already been in there and underlined several times by three different S.O.s. Maybe she'd add a line, though.

 

The rest of the evening passed mostly unremarkably. They stuffed themselves with popcorn and later take-out, watching children's movies until Banner had passed out curled up half on Barton's lap, Barnes' hand still gripped tightly. Phil was drooping, too, and Barnes had given up needling Rogers for more details of his story half an hour ago and started blinking excessively about ten minutes later.

 

Maria felt her own eyelids flutter closed, bits of the whispered conversation between Barton and Rogers about how to arrange their sleeping charges without waking them the last thing she heard as she let her head rest on Romanoff's shoulder.

 

***

 

Maria was woken up very unpleasantly by the sound of a loud crash not five feet away. She jolted up into a sitting position, hand automatically going to where her weapon would usually be, only halting herself when her brain finally sorted out the picture in front of her.

 

Banner, back to his normal state but buck naked, was lying half on the upended table and half on the floor, staring wide-eyed at the couch. Maria assumed he'd been pushed off by accident after the transformation back. The Avengers didn't really have much in the way of body shame around each other, and Banner especially had long been resigned to waking up naked who knows where and occasionally on top of people. The couch did look a little crowded with a fully grown Phil and Barnes to add to Rogers and Barton, though.

 

Next to her, Maria felt Romanoff relax back into the couch. Everyone else seemed to still be dead asleep. Stark blinked one eye open long enough to grumble a 'Congrats on being back with the grown-ups, big guy' before turning his back to them. Since no one else seemed inclined to do anything about the situation and Banner looked ready to just go back to sleep on the floor, Maria fought her way off the couch with a tired sigh. She tossed Banner a couple blankets and a pillow on her way out. Banner gave her a bleary but grateful nod and was decent enough to half-heartedly drape a blanket each over Phil and Barnes before he dropped back down to the floor.

 

With a rueful sigh, Maria bypassed the kitchen and headed straight to the guestroom Pepper had offered her. She really wanted coffee before her phone call with Fury, but the smell of coffee would only rise the team from their sleep and she preferred them asleep until after protocol was done and over with. They had a disturbing tendency to get in the way of protocol otherwise.

 

Thankfully, Fury seemed to be just as tired and overworked and done with the situation as she felt, so he let her off pretty quickly after she informed him that the affected seemed to be back to normal. He seemed to be too grateful for such a quick resolution to nag her about the paperwork just then, which in turn ensured Maria's gratitude.

 

She was just contemplating putting in the work and handing the forms in this very same day as a thank you, after dragging Banner, Barnes and Phil into medical for check-up, when Stark trotted in.

 

He didn't even look at her, or at his surroundings, heading straight for the coffeemaker and only seeming to become aware of her presence after his first cup.

 

“Hill.” He nodded at her. “Guess we have you to thank for the blankets?”

 

Maria smirked at him. “What, you didn't want to wake up to the sight of half your team naked?”

 

Stark leered right back. “Contrary to rumors, my orgies don't involve my teammates.”

 

She rolled her eyes at him. Before either of them could continue their bantering, a bleary-eyed Phil stumbled into the kitchen, hair askew and blanket clutched around his shoulders.

 

“Coffee?” He asked in a pathetic, hopeful rasp. Sighing, Maria poured another cup and held it out to him. Much like Stark – though neither would appreciate the comparison, she was sure – he only started to blink awake after the first cup.

 

“Did I reprimand you for comparing Clint and me to Wall-E and Eve yesterday?” He narrowed his eyes at them. Stark snickered into his second cup of coffee.

 

“You also clung to Barton's leg all day and glared at Steve when he asked him to carry Bruce around.”

 

Phil groaned into his coffee and Maria took enough pity on him to slide over a second cup. He gave her a grateful look.

 

Thankfully, they turned back to their coffees in silence after that. One by one, the rest of the team started to drop in in varying states of awareness. Barton looked a little disappointed that Phil was back to normal already, though that didn't last long past Phil pulling him into an eager good morning kiss.

 

The quiet held until Barnes showed up and started needling Barton about his newly discovered motherly qualities. Of course Stark had to join in on the fun. For the most part, Barton contented himself with flipping them the bird and cuddling into Phil's side.

 

There was a short moment of tension when Barnes approached Banner, but he just patted him on the back and they shared a smile and that was that. Sometimes, the general lack of shame in any regard around Stark Tower could be refreshing.

 

When the team invited her for breakfast with them, Maria agreed readily, too exhausted still to bother hunting down anything on her own. And she still had to shuffle them off to medical later. For all that Phil needled Barton about his reluctance to seek medical attention, he was not one ounce better where he himself was concerned, so she obviously couldn't leave it to him. She just hoped that they wouldn't interpret her agreement and the fact that she'd spent the night on the couch with them like some belated frat house sleepover as an invitation to drag her further into their crazy.

 

Judging by the look Phil shot her over the table, still clad in nothing but a bright purple blanket and not caring a bit, her chances weren't all that good. Fury could bet his ass that he would have her request for a pay raise on his desk within the day.

 


End file.
